n o w

life is a mess at the moment. can't understand wat is goin thru my head... have been questioning myself lately on wat i wan, wat i seek, wat am i waiting for...

it's really strange that whn God works (according to HIS time) we tend to be so impatient and rational with our small human minds on his plan. so yeah... hafta learn, to focus, seek and wait upon the LORD... really scared whn He is outta my life. so quiet and alone.

even whn our time is so packed with activities and programs, work, family... it's at those time whn the dust has started to fall, you realized that there no ground... it's falling all the way down. those are the moments that really scares me as i can't feel God's presence. mabbe He's there, like a father, standing beside, watchin us.. as we learn to walk on our own. watching quietly so that we dun know. and whn we fall, it's hurts Him more thn ourselves but thn, it's for our own good, so that we can learn to walk... n choose.. HIM

~please don't be too quiet DADDY ok?? i'm really lost now~

"little" details...

time flies whn we are busy. today is a day when not all things work according as I planned BUT it's really amazing how GOD puts HIS plan accordingly... makes me stop n think am i walking HIS way or the way i thot HE wanted me to?

little details that we worry for no reason - how can i get off work early; no umbrealla whn it rains; late nites & can't get up for work; early morning meeting wif unfinished documentation...

know that GOD is amazing, but it's also amazing how we tend to forget so easily and quickly of HIS greatness and HIS love for us...

the way HE plans for the things to fall into place at every step we take. the client tat shifted the meeting so i can complete my documentation, the free ride, the borrowed umbrealla, the super duper heavy rain... which made me take off my shoes n walk in the rain (felt like dancing actually) stepping on puddles, squishing the mud, saw wonderful lightings across the skies.. felt the love for big DADDY all over again like a child. so yeah.. today i wanna love HIM all over again. thank you DADDY.

~when we look after HIS business, HE'll look after our business~

different faces..

one month... so many things happened. started my job, housemate moved out, caused mom to cry over n over.

finally got a KL job - taking the train to work & back. it's a different n new working life from wat i've experienced thus far. getting up early, public transport, buying breakfast on the way to work, dreading the rain (cos no umbrella). the experience of the people packed train, squeezing the way in. standing for more thn an hour each day.

housemate finally got her own place - now got a room for my bro to shift in. one less person in the house (for the time being). nobody knows wat the future brings. only can trust in God. super tired to thk about wat will happen as till now, the things happening are not really wat was expected... He's really full of surprises

mom - my biggest issue... learning to adapt, to communicate, to talk, to sit together, eat together, sleep together. seriously trying very hard to visualize the days whn we will live together. can we or can we not? time n time again, in order to get the message across, have caused her to cry, whn thn can i talk?? guess i can only accept, agree, obey n execute. till i find a way... this is the life with mom around.

seriously dunno wat is in store for me. just living each day as it is... not daring to expect or demand. lost once again.

d o o r s

it's really weird how God works. really unfathomnable and amazing. was kinda asking Him abt the next step to take as kinda lost & no sound from Him for quite some time.. n thn over the wkn He showed me tat my patience is part of a lesson. n yes, it's still continuing BUT at least Daddy is working according to His timing n not ours. so yups.. will hafta keep on learning n having faith in every step of the way.
was told to go for an interview over the wkn so it's a sign tat's wat i should be doin instead of moping around but God being Himself, gave me 2 choices.. tat's where me being me, started to be lost again. so yeah, i told Him i can't decide n He closed 1 door just like tat. isn't He awesome?? tat's y i love Him so much..

thanks God for being a great DADDY!!!

btw, i still love my daddy too... ^_^

convalesce

mood wasn't too good today tat's why i took the courage to go and meet an old fren. guess it's time to start planning wat i really wanna do. just tat i'm not really prepared for it. dun haf the strenght and the courage to go on. weird eh? needed someone to gif me the push. hope that he'll be able to help me stand n walk on in this journey. mabbe by this month he'll be able to treat my wounds [physically + mentally] and then by next mth the bandages can be removed and i'll feel better. . know tat it's not the best way to

BUT

guess sumwhere, sumhow big Daddy up there is working whn i'm resting. just tat i dunno wat is is plan -like wat i read (His unfathomnable will, guided by His unsearchable mind)

God is great..

O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!

~Rom 11:33~

passed + gone

this week was dad's birthday... n if he's here, we would haf celebrated.

many things have come and gone and dad's b'day was one of it.

today, i made someone cry. guess i'm really mean. makes me wonder who i've turned into... a cold blooded person that does not care about ppl's feelings anymore?

is it becos i have no one to turn to (other that God whom is building my faith) when i needed to that i've built a wall around myself again?

missed talking to you daddy...

guess can only talk to big daddy up there now. after all tat's wat i've been doin all this while.

hidden...

went home begining of the week. mixed feelings all over again. not about work.. but about wat is gonna happen in days to come.

H A P P I

guess time flies whn we are happy. . so yeah... nowadays i guess i'm so contented that i'm like this. hmmm.. . . i feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many great ppl whn i'm goin thru the downs in life and aso God who never let go of my hand even whn i wanted to shake Him off.. thanks for sticking with me. ^_^

~If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So whether we live or we die, we belong to the Lord.~

Rom 14:8

new start...

din really dread getting out of bed today. it's a nice feeling. no rush, no alarm, wonder how long can this last. . . mom's in town and life goes on as usual. will be taking a break for dunno how long. a burden is lifted, the light on my steps is still only for the one i'm on but at least now i know it's according to HIS plan and not mine anymore. is a great relief knowing who's in control.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jer 29:11

weird. . .

it's gonna be my last week... and of all the other jobs that i have, really dun understand for wat reason tat this particular one had me dreading goin to work each day. seriously am counting down. can't wait for the day to come whn i can finally be free and live my own life once again without stressing out everytime my phone rings..

below are the images that really makes me wonder at God's wonderful creation.
*click on the pics to read the words

ripples . . . . .

it's strange just how one person affects another. as the saying goes -> time heals... wondering whn my turn will be. am i in hiding or in denial? seriously dun haf an answer to tat. just know tat i'm still being affected. how long is it goin to last? dun like this neva ending feeling of not being in control of my own emotions. sick and tired of it...

Drop a pebble in the water:
just a splash, and it is gone;
But there's half-a-hundred ripples
circling on and on and on,
Spreading, spreading from the center,
flowing on out to the sea.
And there is no way of telling
where the end is going to be
~James W. Foley~

seasons comes and goes...

there is a time and season for everything...
i'm praying that this season will really shape and mould me to sumthg that is pleasing to God cos i've come to a point where everything is just do... dun ask. can't even think properly.. left my car keys in the car today n locked myself out during work.. had to use the spare keys from home. n thn later at nite, left my house keys in the car and had to use my hsemate's keys... no more strength to fight, to retaliate... wonder whn this season will end.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." - Prov 19:21

i survived today...

the feeling of NOT leaving my bed after waking was so strong. guess the action of even sitting up and putting my legs to the floor, walking to the bathroom... even thking abt it can bring me to tears but yes... i've survived yesterday and today and yes will continue to survive till the end of the week n end of the month.
prayin each morning for the strength to pull thru the day ahead and the wisdom to settle and sort wateva problems that arises.. i can only do so much but GoD... HE can do wonders...
thank YOU for being here

Just enough light..

was reading abt just the right amoung of light for our daily step... it has come to a point where each i take each daily i dunno wat's the next step. so if you are asking me wat is your plan going to be, next month wat are you goin to do.. i'll you you in the eye and say, i really dunno. so please don't ask me cos God is providing just enough light for the step i'm on...

It's a more certain proposition to follow the Lord, not knowing where you're goin,
than to think you know where you're goin and you're not following the Lord.
~Jack Hayford~

another week....

i survived last week n this week is only the begining. there are times whn all we could do is just to take one step at a time. living each day as it dawns upon us. just wondering how long this season will last. in the mean time... holding on.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

. . . . . . . . . .
even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast

~ps 139:7-10~

finally...

survived the week, BUT it's still not over, need to survive the month.. will still be working tmrw n day after n the day after tat...


if God was not providing the strenght for me, i really can't visualize how i'm gonna pull thru this. too bz to miss dad. know he's there sumwhere at the back of the mind, more memories during those quiet and lonely times.

overall it's a hectic week... n not gonna end anytime soon.

that's hw i feel like currenly... all messed up and scribbled over.

it's not tat bad after all

it's mid week... i've been expecting the worst since the begining of the week. was like dreading n pulling myself off bed the 1st day of work. but God is faithful.. n i believe that He is really teaching me how to have faith upon His ways and fully trust and lean upon Him. was so scared of goin away from Him as i was having these thots of straying like how i used to..His timing is just perfect and amazing, tat's all i can say... thank you Daddy for not giving up hope on me..

daisies are pretty, i thk i'm beginin to like thm... ^_^

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

~heb 11:6~

H O M E

just got back... memories of dad were still lingering, the sponge at the shower, his books, the empty space where his bed used to be.. n i really missed listening to his voice of telling me he's been good, sleepin on time n eating his meals. i lost dad's sim card.. feeling upset cos such a simple thing n yet i can lost it. i seriously thk mom is so much stronger thn me.
upset wif work, can't seem to work things out. DADDY's been there for me. i know tat if HE's not, i would have messed things up long time ago.. i can't really walk now. i'm so lost.. n confused.. thank you for holding on to my hand. i really dunno how long i'll be like this. really wanna let go n move on.

everyday, i'm retracting further into my shell, i seriously just wanna get away and be alone. can i? someone once said, dad goin away will be my biggest impact cos thn i'll have to be independant. hahah... life begins again. i'm trying to live life from the start.. n this time i only haf 1 DADDY instead of 2... so yeah.. enuf of tokkok..

~may i live my life according to your will n purpose~

the past...

do not forget the past, for it shapes the future....

today started out so-so... thot it's finally friday and another 4 weeks to go. well, UNLESS i can be irresponsible and not taking ownership of my work, i can't be comfortable just leaving things the way they are. no matter what i still need to complete and finish wateva that has been entrusted to me. guess that's all about life..

in memory of pongo.. till today, i missed you...

was thking on the way back, wat happened on the day whn pongo served his last. the song that was playing, (the CD was perished with the cd player on that memorable day)

into your hands i commit again,

with all i am, for you Lord...

Jesus i believe in YOu,

Jesus I belong to you....

wat was i thking when i came out of the car?? i was in one piece. no broken bones, i can walk. 1' more i'll be in the wheelchair for the rest of my life, 1' less, mabbe i shud haf left my will ( if there's any) His calculations are just so accurate. it's a wonder.. and wat was i singin in my heart whn i was standing next to pongo?

thank you Jesus, for your love to me...

thank you Jesus, for your grace so free...

n wat am i worried about??

die lor... can i still serve in atone? cos i just sign up... hmmm.. now tat i look back, wat was BIG daddy trying to tell me?

30 yrs of fooling around, it's time you reflect on what you are here for.. your purpose in life.

DADDY, i'm sorry i've failed you today.. i was really down in the dumps. please forgive me..

true to His words...

it's finally July. thot it's gonna be a great day. after all it's only 1 more month BUT today i really learned to walk each step seeking DADDY's help. realized that taking each step is sooooo hard and the giants are sooo big. i really need to learn to look at situations like caleb and joshua..

was so down the whole day till on the way back, the setting sun reminded me that GOD is in control - from the rising to the going down. His name is to be praised. Please forgive me DADDY..

“There we saw the giants” (Num. 13:33).

Yes, they saw the giants, but Caleb and Joshua saw God! Those who doubt say, “We be not able to go up.” Those who believe say, “Let us go up at once and possess it, for we are well able.”

Giants stand for great difficulties; and giants are stalking everywhere. They are in our families, in our churches, in our social life, in our own hearts; and we must overcome them or they will eat us up, as these men of old said of the giants of Canaan.

The men of faith said, “They are bread for us; we will eat them up.” In other words, “We will be stronger by overcoming them than if there had been no giants to overcome.”

Now the fact is, unless we have the overcoming faith we shall be eaten up, consumed by the giants in our path. Let us have the spirit of faith that these men of faith had, and see God, and He will take care of the difficulties. –Selected

It is when we are in the way of duty that we find giants. It was when Israel was going forward that the, giants appeared. When they turned back into the wilderness they found none.

Passage taken from streams in the desert

when i am down... pt II

goin home everyday to mikey n jessey makes me glad. looking forward to spending time with them helps me to know that they are here for a reason, same as me...

we are where we are for a reason

when i'm down...

woke up to a lousy day but

by trusting in the unseen, having faith in the unknown,

knowing that He is there before us, shining the light just enough for the step,

i manage to walk thru the day and end it well....

after all i don't know about tomorrow but

i know He holds my hand.

HE heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.

~ps 147:3; 11~

The LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love.

always....

"you'll always be my daughter,

no matter when or where,

happy or sad,

good or bad..."

~ dad ~

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!

And that is what we are! 1 john 3:1

the day i decided to move on...

All my life i dread this day but when it did come.. was i prepared? only God knows. but i do know when i heard the news, i was at peace because dad is no longer suffering. i'll always be your 'ah girl' no matter where or when..